| How To. | Install A New Garbage Disposal |
What you will need:
Car Keys, A Television, A Car, A Credit Card or Cash, a breath mint or a stick of gum, a glass of water, some hummus and the bread of your choice for dipping (I prefer slightly toasted pita bread).
Step #1: Collect the car keys and your preferred form of payment
Step #2: Go to the car, get in the car, put on your seat belt, start the car. (Here is where other handymen stray from my particular path to changing a garbage disposal. They do not give you the following options. I find they come in handy, and since my name is Handy, that works for me!)
If it is day-time skip the next sentence. If it is night-time turn on the headlights. If it is winter turn on the heat to a comfortable level. If it is summer, turn on the air-conditioner or simply "the air" for those of you in the Southern states. Turn on the radio, CD, or Tape Deck to the music of your preference. (My personal music of choice for this particular project is Vacation by the Go-Gos because it just makes any task seem like less work - Instant Vacation!)
Step #3: Drive to you closest Home Depot or (if you enjoy giving your hard earned money away for no reason) Loewe's. Find a parking spot. Turn off the radio/CD/Tape-deck, turn off the Air/Heat, turn off the headlights if it is night-time, turn off the car, take off the seatbelt, and exit the vehicle.
Step #4: Enter the Home Depot/Loewes.
Note: Do not panic if you get lost in the maze of stuff you think you need held within these walls. Simply, look around you for the closest person wearing an apron and trying to ignore you, ask them for help in finding the right aisle, thank them, and move on.
Locate the aisle that contains all of the plumbing stuff. Locate the garbage disposals. Chose the garbage disposal that best fits your needs and your budget.
Purchase the garbage disposal using the Credit Card or Cash you brought with you. (Always remember to be courteous and thank the employee behind the counter, they hold all of your Home Improvement needs in the palm of their hands.)
Carry the disposal to your vehicle and place it in the trunk, truck bed, or behind the 3rd row (for mini-van drivers only).
Step #6: Repeat Step #2
Step #7: Carry the disposal inside and place it in the closet
Make yourself a snack with the hummus and dipping bread product
Pour yourself a glass of water to wash it down. (Ice is optional)
Turn on the television and enjoy your snack
Sit back and feel good about your purchase
Step #8: Forget about the disposal as you become entrapped in the Behind the Music marathon on VH1. Pop in a breath mint or a stick of gum to cover the garlic breath produced by the hummus
Step #9: 2 weeks later, take the disposal out of the closet. Open the box and pull out the directions. Try to understand them. No, try harder. Okay, nevermind, go to Step #10.
Step #10: Call a professional Handyman (use Credit Card for payment) or wait until I come to visit you (I Prefer the Cash or the Hummus). "That works for me!"