"Why Locky's Writing a Column"

I'm writing a column because lately people seem to have forgotten where we've all come from. Mama Keekee is NOT my mother, no matter what she says. She's a go-go dancer who happened to give birth to me 27 years ago. Grampa Ernie and Grandma Beezely are my real mothers. Grandy helps me with my pull ups and Grampy makes me chicken pot pie and buys me raisinettes. Brother Si is my little sweet baby brother but lately he's ditched me because he married or aunt Beth. They have two kids, Boo and Laquisha. cute! Aunt Beth is my father's sister. My father is Norman but we think he died in Vietnam. His parents are Nan and Norm and they live in Ontario, Canada. Homeshoppa moved in when grandy and grampy found her in the benevolence bin at their church in Tampa. She was born at Disney world. Lucky! Her real dad is Mickey Mouse and her mom is Natalie Merchant so her full name is "So Very Cool Homeshoppa Lynn Finn Merchant-Mouse." Homey married Forrest. They have a baby named Precious. Mama Keekee has a new family and she doesn't want her new family to know about me and brothy. I don't give. I have a life partner named Lenny Mashentucket from the Mashentucket Indian Reservation in Connecticut. He never had a mom and dad, only a matriarch but she died two months ago. Sad! Lenny works for McDonalds as a greeter and he also charges batteries for a phone company that his social worker hooked him up with. Recently, we had a hamster named Geronimo. It's cool, but sometimes I forget where the hamster is.

Sweet Baby Lockatoo Tyre Nockadore Mashentucket

Lockatoo Mashentucket has been asked to write a weekly column for Condons.net. Her views do not necessarily represent the views and opinions held by Condons.net. Lockatoo was asked if she would like to change the names of those represented in her works to protect the innocent, but declined stating, "I don't give."