| How To. | Write a How-To Column |
What you will need:
A computer, an internet provider, a lot of time, two rambunctious children, a pot of coffee, cheese nips, a freshly opened can of Skippy Super Crunch Peanut butter, an imagination, a fairly bad sense of humor, and a rubber duck.
Step #1 – Turn on the Computer, open a fresh Word Document, open internet explorer, Netscape or whatever program you use to surf the web. Try to get your mind into creative mode by browsing the “Condon Family Website.” Notice how nothing has really changed much over the last few weeks. Think, think, think…
Step #2 – Go down stairs, pour yourself a cup of coffee, yell at the kids for climbing on the furniture, return to your workspace. Think, think, think…
Step #3 – Process of elimination time: List all of the “How To” projects you have already covered
“How To Install A New Garbage Disposal”
“How To Make Chicken Lips”
“How To Troubleshoot Your Computer”
Now, list all of the “How To” projects covered by others just to make sure there is no plagiarizing going on:
“How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying”
“How to Marry a Millionaire”
“How To Make an American Quilt”
“How To Steal a Million”
“How To Irritate People”
“How To Be A Player”
“How To Live With A Vegan Without Killing Them”
“How To Eat Fried Worms”
“How To Handle A Woman”
“How To Lose Friends and Alienate People”
“How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”
Not to mention all the How To books written by Bob Newhart while he was living up in that inn in Vermont. Google the words “How To” just to see if there are any that you happened to miss. Think, think, think…
Step #4 – Got any ideas yet? No? Go downstairs, refill your coffee, grab a box of Cheese Nips and some Peanut Butter for dipping. On the way back up stairs, yell at your kids and tell them to stop throwing those knives around the room.
Step #5 – Return to your quiet little nook and eat some Cheese Nips and Peanut Butter. If they get stuck to the roof of your mouth wash them down with the fresh hot Coffee. Okay, its stream of consciousness time. Write down any ideas that come to your mind:
“How To eat Peanut Butter without getting it stuck to the roof of your mouth”
“How To type the sentence, ‘How to eat peanut Butter without getting it stuck to the roof of your mouth’”
“How To waste a perfectly good afternoon you could be spending with two rambunctious kids”
“How To throw knives without getting hurt”
“How To stop your kids from doing dangerous things”
“How To Think like Handy”
“How To waste the time of your family members by posting ridiculously idiotic nonsense on the website and making them read it.”
Any ideas pop out at you? No? Think, think, think…
Step #6 – Write down everything you have done for the last half-hour in Step Format.
Step #7 – Give it a clever title like: “How To Write a ‘How To’ Column”
Email it to Katie, let her edit it and proof read for errors before she posts it to the web site and go take a bath with your Rubber Ducky.
That Works For Me!